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This story of God's grace initially appeared as a Tenth Press article March 19, 2006.
As Christians we readily confess that our public transgressions negatively impact our relationships with others, but we often assume that our private sin only affects our relationship with God. Like the Pharisees, we often underestimate the cancerous effects of our own hidden sin, covering our inner wickedness with an outward façade of morality. Yet, through his providence and Word, God has shown me both the gravity of secret sin and the glory of his grace for us in Christ.
In a difficult providence of God, I first learned of the gravity of secret sin from my father. When I was twelve years old, my father confessed to our family his addiction to pornographic images, which had spanned over twenty years of theological training and full-time ministry. Devastated, my family experienced both the immediate as well as the subtle, yet profound, effects of his admission.
Immediately, my father’s secret porn addiction radically altered our family life. Feeling betrayed and rejected, my mother struggled with forgiving and trusting him. Frightened, my siblings and I wondered if our dad ever had lustful thoughts about us. Additionally, my dad’s confession to the elders led to uncertainty and anxiety about the future. He eventually resigned, shocking our unsuspecting congregation. Then, beside the pressures and fears that accompany unemployment, we faced alienation and isolation from our church family.
My dad’s private transgressions also profoundly impacted my family in subtle ways. In our own sinfulness, each of us attempted to control our chaotic lives by finding comfort in created things. In our desperate search for solace, we idolized work, sleep, favorite foods, restrictive diets, exercise, worldly beauty, material possessions, and man’s approval. We also sought to escape reality through watching TV, reading romantic novels, and fantasizing about future relationships.
Moreover, we learned to commit our sins surreptitiously while keeping a positive public profile. The condemnation and gossip we faced from other Christians taught us to avoid close relationships. While we confessed socially acceptable sins like prayerlessness, we dared not talk about our secret idolatries.
Despite our unfaithfulness and idolatry, God faithfully continued his work of sanctification in our lives. Through the ministry of a Christian counselor, God healed my dad from his addiction to pornography. God also brought my family together, teaching us to forgive my dad with the forgiveness of Christ. Additionally, in unexpected ways, God provided temporary employment for my father and later led him to another place of ministry.
Eventually, God brought me to Tenth. By sitting under the preaching of the Word here, I have gained a fuller understanding of the glorious abundance of God’s grace for us in Christ. Through meditating on all that is ours in Christ, I have grown in the joy of knowing Christ. As a result, my desire for control is gradually being overcome by a desire for obedience, my fear of man by the fear of the Lord, and my private idolatries by a pervasive love for Christ.
Finally, through deepening friendships with Tenth members, I am slowly learning what “the communion of saints” means. United with Christ by faith, we are joined to each other as members of Christ’s body. We bear each other’s burdens, praying for one another and pointing each other to Christ. Therefore, despite our own weakness and besetting sins, we press on, looking to Christ for pardon, protection, provision, and peace.
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