From Victim to Servant

This is the  testimony of a Tenth member who is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. It first appeared as a Tenth Press article on March 14, 2004.

When I was a girl entering my teens, I was sexually and emotionally abused by my father, a minister. My trust, security, and sense of worth were shattered. He pressured me to keep the abuse a secret, which I did for many years. I became withdrawn and guarded, counting the days until I was old enough to leave my unsafe home.

Though I became a Christian during college, I was wary of God and kept him at arm's length. I tried to believe that God was good, but in my heart I felt him to be uncaring, even cruel. I thought that to him I was only a small cog in the machinery, to be used and cast aside. When reading the Scriptures, I was blind to the love and promises of God. I saw only impossible standards and threats of punishment. My spiritual growth was very slow, and I never let others see inside.

But gradually, gently, God used people at Tenth to show me his love. I met some believers who were open and real. Through Tenth I found a Christian counselor experienced in sexual abuse issues. Over time, she helped me to assess the damage, grieve, heal, and forgive. I was finally able to lay down the burden of the terrible secret. Through sermons and Bible studies at Tenth, I received sound teaching to counteract my distorted view of God. It took time, encouragement, and direct application of Scripture to confront the lies deeply ingrained in my thinking. Ministry involvement also helped by taking the focus off my problems and giving me purpose. But what made God's love real was the way a Tenth family "adopted" me, treating me as one of their own. That was when the church began to feel like home.

Still, I continued to struggle spiritually and to be afraid of older men. In time God removed that fear, and showed me how I'd been living and dying for human approval. As God provided courage to give up that idol and trust him, I finally began to find joy in his Word. I felt as if scales were falling from my eyes when I realized that Jesus was praying for me in John 17:20-26, and that God loves me just as he loves his own Son.

I thank the Lord he has brought me this far. Daily challenges remain. It is still hard to understand God's sovereignty, but I have learned several important things:

• God is good and loves his children.
• He is with us in our suffering, though we may not know it.
• Our hurts make him hurt.
• Nothing we suffer is meaningless in God's plan.
• He transforms evil situations to bring out great good, in his time.

I know I am the person I am partly because of all that has happened to me and what God is doing to redeem it. And I am called, as we all are, to comfort others with the comfort I have received. What a wonderful calling. What a wonderful redemption. Praise and thanks be to God.

Tenth's Bridge-Builders ministry provides a safe place for discussion and dialogue. Contact Cora Hogue if you would like a referral to a counselor.